Daisy

And I was feeling like I love you.
Like I remember you baby.

Like I am thankful but I am sorry
Like I am relieved but filled with remorse

Like I am forever grateful and never forgetting

There as a moment, just this week, when I felt panic. I had given my baby away!
Oh My God! What have I done

Then Lisa sent me a picture.

Is that my baby? … That was my baby
But I don’t recognize her anymore

Sometimes I lay on my belly… and remember when I couldn’t
Was I really pregnant? Oh My God!
Sigh….. Oh My God…the paths I have taken.

Pregnant, then empty, yet full, successful and strong

I miss her. I miss Lisa. They were my purpose during those days.

I drove to work this morning. The day after long drawn out meetings with the USOC
What could I possibly do with a baby? How could I have handled this work?

Driving to work 800 am. Vision of Daisy with a smile and a perfect red dress.
Feeling eternally grateful that Lisa and I found each other
And that she loved my baby before she was born. She dreamt about her, just as I had dreamt.

She lead her husband and didn’t give up even when personal life spiraled around her

I remember that first night. Lisa didn’t let go of Daisy. I wonder what she felt. Panic? Love? Fear?

As much as I wanted to gobble every moment with Daisy. I saw this women, now mommy, humbled with love and fear. Feelings I had known when I held baby Hunter for the first time. I understood….and I felt she deserved..to have and feel it too.

I pulled into the driveway at work….feeling so grateful. This women believed in me…when the world did not.
This women gave my daughter the deepest, most UNCOMPLICATED love when I could not… and here I was..living what I had prayed to be. .. Loving through her. Day dreaming of outrageously cute outfits. Picturing the smiles she must get from baby.. The Longing she must have to get home to her.

I saw your angel that day on the side of the street, I read your message
Believe Jesus… in bright primary colors

Thank you God. For giving your son, so I could be forgiven. So I could find Lisa. So that she could love my “once that was” baby.

There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t long for the “right” day.
And think of them(that I love) always…

Not too many tears any more…